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Frequently Asked Questions:
(Just click on any question to go directly to it)
My spouse has left me, what do I do now?
How do I handle separation?
Should I be anxious to reconcile my marriage?
Should I agree to a divorce, or make a Biblical stand for my marriage?
What makes a person act like this?
I feel like a failure. Like my life was stolen by an evil person. How do I move on from that?
My estranged/former spouse is very difficult and intimidating. How do I deal with them?
The unfairness and hurt of this situation fills me with anger and rage; what can I do about it?
Are there Biblical grounds to divorce an abusive spouse?
If I, or my Church had been more assertive; could we have prevented my divorce?
How come my spouse got off so easy in church discipline?
I wanted my divorce, now I'm feeling lost and empty. What do I do?
What about Internet dating?
How important is sexual purity as a single adult?
I’m not sure I understand “dating”; or what a successful courtship even looks like. Can you help?
The departure of a spouse often leaves us in shock.
Regardless of how difficult the relationship has been, we still seem to want to cling desperately to it.
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That's normal. You might be caught off-guard by the attitudes of false integrity and arrogance on the part your departed spouse. It is normal for those departing a marriage to take on these difficult mindsets. Your inclination will often be to try to counsel or argue your departed spouse into submission to Biblical truth.
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This rarely works. Your departed spouse will usually, either deflect the blame for this event back to you, or they will ignore these attempts altogether. These failed attempts to redeem your difficult situation will often leave you further confused, beaten down and angry.
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So, what do you do?
Well, usually the best option is to simply leave your departed spouse alone and pray for them. We suggest that you dive wholeheartedly into the only relationship you will ever have that will truly last forever. Begin to surround yourself with balanced, quality Christians who will pray with you through your emotional ups and downs. Set yourself up for long-term recovery by making quality short-term decisions for your own life.
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Your wayward spouse may decide to come back; or, sadly, he or she may not. Regardless of the decisions of your spouse, you must do your best to be a forgiver. You don't need to carry around a big load of grudges along with all the other things you're carrying. You can truly release all of your pain and hurt at the feet of a God who passionately loves you. You can rest in the Biblical fact that God totally has your life and He won't let you fall.
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You (and your children) will be okay in His capable hands. We have counseled and worked with hundreds of people and we've never seen God fail even once. We welcome the opportunity to encourage you further in this difficult time. You can purchase our book from this site.
You can email us, we love to hear from you. And you will find more helpful insights as you read further into the FAQ's; the blog; and the rest of the site.
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We know your separation from your spouse is an extremely difficult time for you. You are on an emotional roller coaster. We know that if you,
“Draw near to God, He will draw near to you” James 4:8.
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You might be tempted in this time, to do all sorts of things that will not be constructive for your future. You might be inclined to look upon the choices and lifestyle of your departed spouse and think, "I should do those things too". But you will do well to resist those things and draw near to the Lord.
(Read Psalms 37)
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Find a way to be in the Word every day.
Find a way to be in fellowship with other believers as often as you possibly can. Spend lots of time in prayer for your life and that of your departed spouse. Find some strong brothers or sisters (of your own gender) in whom you can confide and trust; to share your emotions and thoughts with, as you work through this difficult season of your life.
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Over the long term of separation and beyond; again, don't beg or argue with your departed spouse. We suggest you not contact your departed spouse at all unless it is absolutely necessary. If you are still inclined to beg your spouse to act correctly or to come back to you; chances are, your neediness has been a contributing factor to your current plight.
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The anger/control/begging cycle that needy individuals often exhibit will tend to burn up relationships. If you are discouraged by realizing these things, don't be... No-one does everything right. But you will want to allow the Lord to do something with your confidence level in order to be successful with any kind of relationship in the future. And that will take time...
If you want to be respected, you must be respectable.
The cycle of fighting/anger/control/begging is not respectable behavior.
The time for you to begin making confident decisions is now.
Proverbs 14:26 says: "In the fear of the Lord is strong confidence.
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You must know that God is not mad at you, and He did not do this to you! You must begin to build a life that is about Jesus Christ and His plan for you. You can pray that, over time, your spouse might do the same.
Right now, however, your spouse is like a baby who isn’t hungry.
You cannot make a full baby hungry no matter what you do. The only thing you can do is to leave them alone, pray for them and wait to see if they get hungry again. If they never do, and if they file for divorce; or, if your marriage becomes a corpse over time that you must bury; we know it is very painful, but God is still in control, and He still loves both of you.
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It is possible for reconciliation to occur, if that is what you want. We have seen the Lord do some awesome things, but the only way reconciliation ever happens successfully is if there is something truly different in both of you before simply "stuffing" the two of you back together again. It is possible you've tried that already, it doesn't work very well... Not everyone is in a giant rush to put a bad situation back together again. And that's okay. Maybe you and your spouse have been married or separated a few times before and there's not as much hope for change as there once was.
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If you do want to reconcile your marriage, we want to be as encouraging as we can be; but we also want to be realistic...
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Trust me, we are acutely aware of what the Bible says about reconciliation.
And I agree that it is usually God's will... And I agree that it should happen, and I agree it should be easy... But we are coming up against the will and resolve of another person. And that makes the difference!
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Remember that your spouse is not your project; and they never were...
Even if you were to get your spouse into counseling with the best marriage people in the business. There is no one who can force you or your spouse into doing anything they don’t want to do. Chances are, it has taken you and your spouse several years to get your relationship into the condition it’s in now.
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In most cases, nothing very positive is going to happen overnight in either one of you. In the case of your departed spouse, it may never happen at all. Listen, God is still in control. Plug in to the Lord... Resist the cycle of anger, control, begging and hopelessness. Stay in the Word, pray, get some help with your ups and downs... Wait on the Lord Jesus and see what He does.
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You can certainly try to make a stand, but I don't believe it's profitable spiritually, emotionally or financially to stand (Legally or otherwise) in the face of someone who is determined to end a marriage with you.
The Bible says that we are to,
"Let the unbeliever go, for God has called us to peace." 1 Cor 7:15.
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Before I'm accused of using scripture inappropriately, please let me say...
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Regardless of a person's relationship with Christ. If this person is determined to divorce you; whatever else they might believe; they are not believing for the marriage at this time. There is usually nothing you can do now,
or possibly ever, that will change their mind.
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Painful as it may be, I believe your only choice is to let your wayward spouse go. Release this person to a God who loves them (You may find yourself needing to release this person every hour of every day...
(Do it as necessary).
Play the hand you were dealt the best way you can, get some help; and again, concentrate on the only relationship in your life that will last forever.
Your Bible will remind you that, regardless of how it looks; God is totally in the midst of your circumstance...
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There is no easy answer to this question, briefly; separation and divorce are caused by immaturity and selfishness. The root of all ungodly behavior; is sin and rebellion. We often wish we could fix the bad behavior of another person, but we can’t. When the impossible behavior of a spouse brings down a marriage, the only thing we can do is refer to God’s Word and try to figure out what happened... Solomon said,
“There is nothing new under the sun”. Ecclesiastes 1:9.
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This simply means that all of the different kinds of sin that people can dream up have been around for centuries. Paul said,
“This I say and the Lord also, that you no longer walk as the unbelievers do, in the futility of their minds and the blindness of their hearts. Being alienated from God because of their ignorance. Having once been feeling, they have given themselves over to all uncleanness with selfishness”. Ephesians 4:17-19
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See, the human mind is like a fishbowl, if it is not refreshed and renewed on a regular basis, it will become rancid and rotten. The good, honorable and useful things that used to live in the fishbowl will die, and the bacteria of sin and rebellion will take over. Paul goes on to say, in verses 22 & 23,
"[You must] put off your former conduct which grows corrupt according to deceitful lusts, and be renewed in your spirit according to God, in true righteousness and holiness”.
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So, given enough time and lack of renewal, any one of us is capable of allowing our minds to get into a condition, in which we simply allow a lie to become truth to us. In other words, in sin and rebellion, we,
"Give ourselves over to all uncleanness with selfishness.”
It is an overdose of that uncleanness and selfishness that you are dealing with in your spouse. It is their choice to go there, and it is very sad, indeed.
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The answer is, that; you, on your own, cannot forgive and move on from that. But you are not on your own; you have Jesus Christ as your example and your eternal hope. Please remember that,
“For He made Him who knew no sin, to be sin for us that we might become the righteousness of God in Him”. 2 Corinthians 5:21
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That means that Jesus, the perfect one, took the fall for you. The truth is: that you might have fallen from where you thought you were in life, but you didn’t fall all the way to the bottom (And you won't) because Jesus took the hit for you 2000 years ago; and then He caught you this time as well.
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See, Jesus left heaven, where He was the true royal king of all of creation and He came to earth to show us how to live this life. Then, when the time came, He was betrayed, beaten, killed and thrown away (by evil people)
into a stone cave He didn’t even own. (He owned absolutely nothing!)
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But then, three days later, He came back and He said,
“Nothing, including death can keep me down, because this is not my home”.
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And this is not your home either. And nothing that ANYONE does to you on this planet will make any eternal difference to your life whatsoever!...
Everything about you; your life, your identity and your future, lies squarely in the person of Jesus Christ; He is the lover of your very soul.
And He does not compare you to anyone!...
So, now you are free to stop comparing yourself to others...
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So, here’s how you forgive and move on…
You do it out of obedience. You do it by looking beyond the ones who’ve hurt you into the eyes of Jesus standing behind them. You simply choose to set it all aside because that’s what Jesus did with the ones who humiliated, beat and killed Him. You forgive, knowing that God will discipline prideful, rebellious and impossible people... And He'll do in his time; in his way...
"For everyone will be seasoned with fire, and every sacrifice will be seasoned with salt". Mark 9:49
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So you can forgive because you can trust God with your life, and you can trust Him with the lives of those who’ve hurt you.
You can forgive because you must forgive!
You must forgive because carrying this stuff around is killing you!
Remember the song… “Jesus paid it all, all to him I owe, sin has left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow”.
So you forgive by driving a stake in the ground and determining to
"Remember not the past". We all fall under the same rules...
We all have to forgive...
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This occurs in nearly every situation we deal with.
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The most important thing to understand is that controlling people have a need to control. More than likely, this person has had an ability to throw you around mentally, spiritually and emotionally for a long time. And most likely, they won't want to give up this privilege on their own, even after the marriage has ended. That leaves us with the responsibility to begin to take this privilege away from them, by learning to set up healthy boundaries.
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That may sound harsh, but learning this skill will be a necessary process,
if you are ever going to move past this experience and become the man or woman that God has designed you to be for the long term.
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In the Old Testament book of Nehemiah, God appointed Nehemiah to accomplish a HUGE task; to rebuild the walls around the city of Jerusalem. Nehemiah set himself to the task, and along came Sanballat and Tobiah.
These guys took it upon themselves to yell, to threaten, to intimidate, to throw rocks, etc. These guys had a mindset (much like your former spouse) to do anything they could to discourage and stop the work that God wanted to accomplish.
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At first, Nehemiah took this intimidation and discouragement to heart and he was afraid; but the Lord used Sanballat and Tobiah to build genuine spiritual muscle in Nehemiah until eventually (in Nehemiah 6); Nehemiah says:
“You know what, guys; I really don’t have time for you; I have a job to do, please leave me alone”. Nehemiah 6:3 (Loosely quoted)
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It is interesting to note, that Sanballat and Tobiah didn't change or go away after that discourse. They were still around and they were just as mean-spirited as ever. Nehemia's Godly confidence simply took away the stick they were using to beat him down... And you will probably never change your former spouse; so the only thing you can do, is to reach out; grab the stick they are using to beat you; and take it away from them...
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In Psalms 37, it says: (Again, loosely quoted)
“Do not fret because of evildoers, nor be envious of those who prosper in iniquity. Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. For in a little while you will look carefully for the disobedient ones and, they will NOT be there.”
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In other words, your former spouse will simply become part of your former life. Dealing with your divorce is very probably the biggest, most long-term challenge you will ever face in your life; but you are out of choices.
And you MUST face this challenge.
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It may be hard for you to believe, but as you grow into your new life in the Lord, you will find yourself becoming thankful for the adversity you have faced, because it has forced you to grow into a true man or woman of God, with a true, eternal mindset. You will find yourself able to withstand virtually anything that the enemy might throw at you in the future.
Divorce is expensive. But eternal growth and understanding is priceless.
I Know this is hard for you, and I wish it hadn’t happened; but if you will be faithful and deal with it correctly, you will see God do something in your life that He doesn’t have the opportunity to do in everyone. This may not be what you had planned for your life, but, trust me; God is in control.
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I know all about anger and rage.
These are some things I have learned from the "College of hard knocks".
I believe that a certain amount of anger is normal and it can be useful when it produces a determination for quality in our relationships and our pursuit of the things of God. The Bible says,
“Be angry, but do not sin”. Romans 12:19.
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When anger turns to rage, it becomes sin and it must be dealt with effectively. It's very easy to say “I have a right to my rage, look what he,
or she is doing to me!”... But, in Christ, we have given up our rights.
We must lay these destructive emotions at the feet of a loving God,
and leave them there.
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
endures all things. Love never fails. " 1 Corinthians 13:7.
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It seems there are two kinds of Christians in this world. There are those who have grown to understand "Real world forgiveness" and "Extending grace to a fallen world"; and there are those who simply refuse to buy into the concept.
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And Christians who understand these things tend to do well.
Christians who cannot or will not give in to these basic truths are usually those who tend to get stuck in a pit of anger and rage.
I spent a lot of wasted time stuck in that pit after my own divorce.
And I have come to realize that, if I have a problem with any other person; my problem is really in my relationship with Jesus Christ.
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Anger and rage seems to stem from two root feelings:
- A belief that something irreplaceable has been stolen from you.
- A refusal to acknowledge that everyone, including those in whom you have invested, has the unfortunate freedom to live in sin and to treat you badly.
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Your freedom from rage might lie, in part, with your acceptance of these basic Christian, cultural, and human truths:
- No one can take anything from you that God cannot replace... You will have a new life and that life can be very good; if you will tuck yourself into the Lord for the long term.
- A marriage license is not an ownership certificate...
(I agree that God’s design is for couples and families to stay together. I know that divorce is sin; and sin is very ugly.
Sin grieves the heart of God and sin grieves our hearts as well).
- Religious pressure does not keep couples together anymore...
A person will generally stay with another person only because they want to; not because the Church or the Bible says they have to. When a person quits wanting to stay; they will generally leave;
and they will usually be very hateful in the process of leaving.
- Your former spouse isn't your project; and they never were...
All people are God's property. He manages them according to His purposes with His infinite knowledge and His matchless love and grace. When people go haywire, God is acutely aware of it.
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God is totally capable, by His Holy Spirit, of addressing the issues (and false integrity) of rebellious people. He may not do it in your timetable, but, trust me, He is on the job. This person will probably never be your husband or wife again; in fact, this person may spend many months or years making your life completely miserable.
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This is sometimes the price we are forced to pay when we "take on" another person as a project (and possibly have children with them). Please know, in these impossible times, that God is working in your life as well. He is humbling you. He is teaching you patience and grace; and He is possibly preparing you for ministry to the mountain of people following behind you in this difficult process of divorce.
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If considering all of these things still finds you filled with anger and rage, you might want to consider the fruitfulness of your determination to continue to fight a war that has already been decided by someone else.
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It won't be easy to make the transition into grace and acceptance of your difficult circumstance, but you will do so much better when you can quit fighting and accept the outcome of this battle with grace and peace. Jesus said,
"In this world, you will have trouble, but be of good cheer because I have overcome the world". John 16:33
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We face this question quite often, here’s our view on the subject.
We believe the Bible clearly states that Christian husbands and wives are NOT to divorce one another, even if the other spouse is an unbeliever.
(Read 1 Corinthians 7:10-13).
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When there is genuine physical abuse, specifically, when the safety of one of the partners or children in the marriage is genuinely threatened, i.e. hitting, knifeplay, throwing of objects, improper contact, etc... Trust me, no pastor in the world (ourselves included) would direct a person to stay in a home
and/or tolerate that behavior.
“In the fear of the Lord is strong confidence”. Proverbs 14:26.
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We are to fear the Lord, not our spouse.
Sometimes the confidence required is the confidence to leave a dangerous situation. Calvary Chapel Boise works with Safe Place Ministries to provide help for those in this kind of situation. Whether divorce, legal separation
or simply removing oneself from the situation is the most beneficial and compassionate solution for both parties over the long term is usually decided through counseling on an individual basis.
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And, if an abusive, controlling spouse chooses to file for divorce in the interim of separation, we certainly wouldn’t suggest fighting them for the continuation of the marriage.
(Read 1Corinthians 7:15).
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Now to the subject of mental abuse.
We hear this term used more and more often in the Church as Christians become more oriented to the “Empowerment” philosophy of the world and less oriented to the “Obedience” principle of the Bible.
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And before you tune me out as someone who "just doesn't understand";
please let me finish...
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Christian wives and husbands are absolutely not required to be “doormats” for demeaning or controlling spouses. The person who holds the position of wife or husband absolutely deserves to be treated with the respect due that position.
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Many times, however, the person who is accused of being “mentally or psychologically abusive”, is simply acting like an unbeliever (whether they might be “saved” or not). The Bible is extremely specific that, even if a spouse is an unbeliever, we are to stay with them, pray for them;
and be obedient to the Lord in these difficult situations.
(Please read again 1 Corinthians 7:13).
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Only you know your heart, and only you truly know your situation.
If the obedient thing to do is to stay, then stay (and pray).
If you choose, or have chosen to leave your marriage, you might seek some peace in the knowledge that divorce is not the “unforgivable sin”; but also please know this; divorcing your spouse will likely not make your life easier; it will probably make your life more difficult.
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And the clear Biblical mandate is that, after divorcing your spouse, you are to remain single, or make every sincere attempt to be reconciled to your previous marriage.
(Read 1 Corinthians 7:11)
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No, but, to be honest, I felt these things regarding my own divorce.
This thought pattern is essentially incorrect because it assumes that either you or your Church has the power or authority to force your spouse to act correctly; and the truth is, they do not.
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The only weapon the church has at its disposal, is excommunication, or withholding privileges; and those usually don't have a big effect on someone who has developed a mindset and made a decision, whether right or wrong.
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And homes or churches have not been equipped with dungeons or chains for a very long time.
Whether they should be put back in is a question for another website...
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I truly don't mean to be curt or insensitive... But the truth is, we are living in the "Biblical age of grace" (And that simply means that God is choosing to be a "Nice guy" for now)... And once a spouse has allowed him or herself to become rebellious, unforgiving, dissatisfied, or unhappy... Your marriage is basically headed for the hopper because of those choices... And, painful as it may be for everyone to watch; the only one who can reverse this slide into rebellion is the one who started sliding in the first place.
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Sadly but justly; God has created a system where those who continue in disobedience and rebellion tend to not do well in life. The only real recourse an abandoned spouse has, is to move forward and live a life of humility, obedience and grace; a life that the Lord can bless. In this way; you allow the Lord to handle the long-term discipline of your former spouse.
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I'm not a real big fan of corporate church discipline in cases of divorce...
But the real truth is that no-one is a bigger sinner than you; or me;
or your former spouse for that matter. It is futile to argue or wrestle
in your mind about who is the biggest sinner or who did what to whom.
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The truth is; we all deserve to die for our own sin, but simply through the loving sacrifice of Jesus Christ; we don’t have to. Sin, in its entirety grieves the heart of a holy God; and it should grieve our hearts as well. Paul says: “For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus”.
Romans 3:23.
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It took a LOT of sinning on the parts of both of you to get you into a divorce. And both of you could probably stand to repent and grieve over that sin.
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And if your former spouse isn’t repentant, then grieve for both of you for a season, until you can put this unfortunate event in the past...
Then leave it there.
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I want to address church discipline again briefly.
The problem with church discipline in the area of divorce is that; it is usually more punitive than gracious in nature. It is more often meted out in anger rather than compassion; and therefore, it is rarely redemptive, but often divisive. (And the divorce is dividing the family in the first place).
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My personal belief is that churches would do much better with divorcing spouses if they would simply mind their own business and allow the inevitable reign of Godly discipline that invariably consists of grace and consequences; to run its course through the lives of those involved.
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Again, as quality people rebuild their lives, they usually do well.
As impossible people hit the world on their own, they usually do poorly.
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If you are feeling rejected because of mishandled church discipline, then forgive those involved and find a new church if necessary. If you feel that God is disciplining you through Godly consequences, then do your best to embrace that discipline in love and try to be thankful for it;
"for whom the Lord loves He disciplines". Hebrews 12:6.
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The discipline of the Lord is based in His total knowledge and love for you,
and His complete devotion to your future.
God’s discipline is never meted out in anger or malice.
"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord; plans of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope". Jeremiah 29:11.
Because God knows everything about you;
(“Lord, You understand my thoughts before I have them". Ps 139:2)
God’s discipline strikes at the true root of the problem, not the surface.
And; because God's discipline is always loving and kind, it never goes over the top... And it never lasts a moment longer than it absolutely has to...
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So, if people you love (or loved) treat you badly, be a forgiver.
If you are feeling the discipline of the Lord, try to embrace the loving hand of God and allow Him to expose and remove the sin. In this way, you will allow this season of discipline to pass through your life as quickly as possible.
“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You;
because he trusts in You”. Isaiah 26:3
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Divorce is sin, and sin has consequences.
The Church doesn't always speak with a unified voice on the subject of divorce and divorced people, but we do.
We love divorced people. We know that God loves them too. Here's why:
- We know that God is not a respecter of persons (Acts 10:34), and that He dispenses absolute forgiveness and grace to anyone who asks for it with a pure heart.
- We know that your identity and future lies in your relationship with Jesus Christ, not in your marriage history.
See, divorce is not the unforgivable sin, nor does it render your life unusable forever. But hardness, anger, bitterness and willfulness do render your life unusable for as long as you harbor them. That is the real point here.
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When Jesus was talking to the woman at the well (Found in John, chapter 4), He said "Go and get your husband. [Trust me, Jesus knew all about her situation] She said, "I have no husband". Jesus said, "I know you don't have a husband, you've had five husbands, and the guy you're with now is not your husband at all". This person had not made the best choices in life, by anyone's standards. Still Jesus said to her, "If you would ask me, I would give you Living Water, and you would never thirst again".
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We have people in this ministry who have worked through the guilt and grief of ending their marriages and the Lord is using them in awesome ways. Having said that, it is very possible that you won't be able to truly move beyond your past until you have done what you can to clean up the mess you've left back there. And that might include finding a way to genuinely ask the forgiveness of those who were hurt in the process of your divorce.
(Your spouse, children, friends, in-laws/outlaws, etc.)
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I encourage you to do this in humility, regardless of the complicity of the others in the process. And I also encourage you to be open to whatever the Lord might want to do beyond that initial contact with regards to healing.
If you truly can't bring yourself to consider this option, Then pride might be
a factor in keeping you stuck in the past.
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I know that singleness is lonely and connecting on the internet is tempting. But courtship and dating in the Church works best when it is paced very slowly and bathed in holiness. And that requires accountability.
Regardless of who runs the site you might be dealing with, you are fishing in a very deep dark pit when you mess with the Internet. Difficult relationships will consume your life and you were bought with a price.
"For you were bought at a price, therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which belong to God". 1 Corinthians 6:20.
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You were called to much greater things than just finding relationships.
I believe it would be better for you to allow the Lord to build you up and place you on the highest ground. Once you get there, your relationships will be in the correct perspective. You can look around at who is up there with you and decide if you want to interact with them.
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You don't find a real prince (Or princess) by kissing frogs.
You find them by serving in the palace of the King and allowing Him to give you the desire of your heart. Ps 37:4
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Nowhere is there more room for compromise than in the area of sexual purity. It is in this area that it certainly appears that the Church is not influencing the world as much as the world is influencing the Church...
“Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one
will see the Lord”. Hebrews 12:4
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Holiness is a tall order and it precludes not only the most obvious examples of sexual sin, i.e. adultery in all of its forms; but, if we would be perfectly honest; it also precludes some of the so called, “gray areas” as well.
So we sometimes are called upon to answer questions such as:
My spouse and I are separated or divorced because we can't live together;
but we're still married in the eyes of the Lord; so we can still have sex, right? ...
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Total abstinence from sex is too much to ask of me; what about self-pleasure?
All of these kinds of arguments come from a position of Biblical silence.
And if it weren’t for the consequences these kinds of behaviors bring with them, we would probably say yes, go ahead and participate if you want to.
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But the sexual experience was designed to be the physical expression of all of the other good and pure things that are going on in a marriage relationship. Sex is part of the benefits package when you take on the "Job" of marriage... And when it is a product of anything short of that, it is a mixture of truth and fiction and it will create confusion and difficulty in the lives of those who continue to do it. "Fire inside the fireplace will warm the room, fire outside the fireplace will burn the house down"!
Practicing absolute sexual purity will build you up.
Making allowances for your flesh or letting your desires place you in a
“gray area”, of sexual purity, will tear you down and keep you stuck.
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I'll try...
First of all, I believe the 21st century definition of the term “Dating” carries some difficult connotations for Biblical Christians. "Dating" is a term that Christians have very willingly borrowed from the culture of the world, and I don't think it fit's into the church very well... And I find it hard to believe that God smiles on the process of His people toying, or playing around with the hearts and feelings of their brothers and sisters. I believe that obedient single Christians must surround EVERYTHING they do (Particularly with regard to the opposite sex) with an absolute "Cloud" of holiness and purity...
I believe that is the standard that God set for ALL of us...
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So, when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex in a continued one-on-one manner; the operative term is not "dating" within the broad term the world uses; but COURTSHIP within the relatively narrow confines of Biblical holiness and purity... I know that many of you have tried to "Date" in the church and have found nothing but hurt, discouragement and failure...
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So, with that in mind, we've created some general guidelines for courtship in the church... We hope you'll find them helpful...
How is courtship different from dating?
Dating stems from the selfish "me" culture of the world; e.g. "What do I want from you?", or "What can you do for me?"... And courtship stems from the surrendered and eternal mindset of a genuine believer in Jesus Christ; e.g. "What suits God's eternal purpose for both of us?"... We were called by Christ to "come out" of the world. So, I believe most of our actions should look completely and radically different from the world! That being said...
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Courtship is a process of decision by two servants, who are equally surrendered to the Lord Jesus; regarding whether they could serve God and one another better as husband and wife... Or not...
So, in spending continuing time with a person of the opposite sex, we should have the long-term goal of marriage. And if marriage becomes an inadvisable future goal for the relationship. Then, I believe the relationship should end as quickly as possible, in order to spare both parties any further grief.
So before I can have a “Courtship”, there has to be a first “move”, and a first date.
What does that look like?
Well, I believe the man should make the first “move”… Because:
{Ladies, if you ask a man out. If you make yourself too available and too easy for a man to have... That man will never place a large amount of value in you. Simply because it never cost him anything to get you...
If you set your price at a level any man can afford; any man will have you!}
[Men, I cannot say this strongly enough... You will NEVER know what God has for you until you learn what He doesn't have for you... And when a woman approaches you to initiate a relationship, it is a bold move...
If you truly desire to love and serve a woman in holiness and purity for a lifetime; that woman will need to be a devoted servant as well...
Pure, devoted, demure and Godly servants are very rare, indeed.
And these kinds of individuals have usually learned to wait upon the Lord...
And they usually don't approach men to initiate a relationship!] ...
Now that a guy has mustered the courage to ask; what’s next?
Well, I believe that a first date should be innocent, inexpensive and independent. For example; this might be a meeting for ice cream or coffee, with a maximum outlay of around $5 (You should have your own $5, BTW). This should be a meeting in a public place for a planned amount of time;
and it should be a meeting that allows you to arrive (and leave) in separate cars. The reasons for this are simple, but they are profoundly important…
Innocent: sends a message of purity.
Inexpensive: creates no future obligations.
Independent: allows either of you to terminate the meeting if necessary, without too much awkwardness.
So, what qualities am I looking for, before I decide to move from a "Friendship"
into a "Courtship"?
We cover this subject in greater depth in our book...
We even include a chart to help the two of you navigate this decision...
But, briefly; you are looking for a verifiable history of quality, purity and devotion to the Lord Jesus... And your partner should be looking for the same things in you. The general rule is that; "You need to become the person before you look for the person". And immature people often make excuses for bad behavior in other immature people... I hope you are tired of doing that!
So, the decision to become a "Courting couple" is fun, serious and mutual...
And it usually happens within a few months or so; of your meeting...
If it sounds like I'm suggesting you move very slowly; please read on...
So, again, what does a “successful courtship” look like?
Well, in my opinion:
1. A successful courtship should last a substantial amount of time;
it should be fruitful; and it should make genuine progress as it continues.
2. A successful courtship should be held loosely, like all of your possessions. 3. A successful courtship should be selective.
4. A successful courtship should be fun.
5. A successful courtship must be sexually pure.
So now that I’ve made these points, let me explain them:
A successful courtship should be long, fruitful, and progressive…
In terms of length, we recommend two years. Joanne and I had a two-year courtship... And we didn’t just pull that figure out of our two hats...
Dr. Dobson, Gary Smalley; and lots of others agree with us. The biggest reason for this; is that it takes time for a couple to walk and talk through various issues and to form a bond. And, it takes time for the major things you will face in marriage to be exposed; both in you; and in Mr. or Ms. Wonderful. You must allow time for the normal period of infatuation to wear off (usually about six months), so you can see the real person.
But in the process of this long courtship, you should be hitting some “progress points”... These are points where you are becoming closer and more committed to one another. If these points are not being met, you must not let an uncommitted individual drag your heart around forever. Therefore…
- A successful Courtship should be held loosely…
See, the goal for Christian marriage is for two mostly-confident, committed, servant believers to come together to create a union that makes each of the parties more effective for the Lord than either of them would be on their own. The Bible says,
“For I have learned to be content in whatever condition I find myself” (Philippians 4:11). And “In the fear of the Lord is strong confidence” (Proverbs 14:26).
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So it is possible to be a content and spiritually confident single adult.
If you won’t allow yourself to be content in your current circumstance; chances are, you will be “Needy” in pursuing relationships.
Needy people cling to relationships. Needy people become “too close, too soon”. And needy people give away their hearts too quickly.
When this happens; either you won’t see; or you will refuse to acknowledge bad behavior patterns in your chosen individual.
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Confident people can determine to hold relationships with a loose grip. By maintaining a loose grip; we can maintain some emotional control that will allow us to either “have the difficult conversation”, or possibly end the relationship when a difficult or impossible behavior comes up in the process of courtship.
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Most every divorce is the result of behavior patterns that were clearly present in individuals before and during the courtship phase. So we must allow enough time in courtship for these behaviors to come out and we must not be so needy that we won’t address them correctly.
- A successful courtship is selective…
A courtship means that both of you are choosing someone to bond with and to make a lifetime commitment to.
Most of the people you will meet and some you might get into courtship with; will simply not be a candidate (for you) for marriage. All of us have flaws and deficits; and you might make allowance for minor flaws; but if you blow past a major deficit to get into marriage with someone; you will pay the price for that decision for a very long time. Be choosy!
- A successful courtship is fun…
Your courtship should be the most fun you’ve ever had with ALL of your clothes on! If your courtship is a bunch of work; or a load of problems and interpersonal issues; you’d better run like the wind!
Because the courtship will paint the outline of what the marriage will look like. You would do well to pay attention to how the two of you interact with one another in various stressful situations.
An occasional “kerfuffle” is normal as the two of you bond together. But if you are fighting in courtship; you will probably be at war in marriage.
- A successful courtship is sexually pure…
Bonding people together is a lot like bonding anything else...
It happens over a long period of time using heat and pressure...
The heat and pressure comes from obedience and denying your flesh...
I don't mean to be harsh... But building a long-term foundation of purity for a vow that lasts a lifetime is a worthy investment to make...
Making the investment will pay awesome dividends for your future.
Not doing so will create disrespect that will be hard to overcome...
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